@TheTweetOfGod

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

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@TheDinky

If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@Ygrene

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@Playing_Dad

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho