If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You Might Also Like
Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
Calling a girl “honey” is ok.
Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.
I’m a relationship expert.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho