Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You Might Also Like
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit