My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
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Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”
[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot