Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!