Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
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Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..