Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.


Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?

Me: You’re going to have to be more specific.


The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*


Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.


Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus


Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.


Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?


[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.