an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You Might Also Like
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
This cat wants you to take your pills
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
This is my bus stop.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS