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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
love pickles so much i put myself in one
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.