Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.