@Mikecanrant

Think about a nice pair of slacks. Now think about a panda. Now about radishes. Now about salt. I think you see where Im going with this.

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@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@maurex23

[spelling bee]

-your word is ‘amnesia’

-can you use it a sentence, please?

-your word is ‘amnesia’

@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

@RepoMan_617

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies