think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
marvel comics have peaked
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.