think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

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It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.


Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.


If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.