Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
still the best tweet of the year by far
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now