i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
#Caturday