@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

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@nbadag

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

@WorkaholicBlake

Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@TheBoydP

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

@Frankie_Val

100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail

@continentlbkfst

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans