Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles