@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

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@Jayson_Two_time

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

@thejessbess

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

@Just_Lee_

The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.

@michaelianblack

Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@mommajessiec

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles