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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
#ProTip
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The three genders.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us