Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
PLOT TWIST:
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.