@iAmJuddy

|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure 😉

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@TheSeanBrewster

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

@annaetuck

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

@daemonic3

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?

@WinningByARose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

@jonnysun

crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

@DadandBuried

*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!