The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*limbos under the caution tape
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
They’re on their honeymoon
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on