me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I have many caverns
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.