@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

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@girlontapas

I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

@ImSoFrancis

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

@simoncholland

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks