I am not a functional alcoholic.
I am a dysfunctional sober person.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks