Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
You Might Also Like
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies