Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
happy mother’s day❤️
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.