Think I pulled my liver
You Might Also Like
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
monday
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Any time a child tries to guess my age.