@Smooheed

Think I pulled my liver

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@SpencerLenox

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

@thatdutchperson

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

@Eightinchgoat

I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@girl_a_whirl

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

@XplodingUnicorn

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

@Brampersandon_

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

@nickbilton

The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.

@jimelliott5000

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks