Think I pulled my liver

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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!


[runs into friends with baby]


Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?


I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.


Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.


Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich


Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…


*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No


The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.


Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks