Think I pulled my liver
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Stop.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
That took me a moment.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
another case of gang violins
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.