Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.