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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@Just__J0

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

@LoveMeNowDad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@AlexvanBeek

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

@AndrewNadeau0

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

@Boba_Photo

11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

@i_Lean

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@AnkCoupleTO

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds