Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
There is no “we” in pizza
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”