4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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me before I type out affect or effect
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Whoa… oh I see lol
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Looking at you, Jesus.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.