Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
channeling her this year
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!