Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.