@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

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@protolalia

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

@daplusk

Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

@KylePlantEmoji

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

@BoLenerf

Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@Rebelling_Jyn

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.