Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.


Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs


Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…


Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers


[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.


Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.


My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”


Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.