I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My dress code is business-casualty.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Anyone want a chair?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.