@simoncholland: Think you're smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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@fanofhell: Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Me: I need to be docted Doctor: you came to the right place. I'm a doctor. I doct people
@heymermaid: Stop saying I'm my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he's curried such favor with father
@Iwriteforcats: Meteorologist - Be horrible at you job and no one really cares. Pizza Delivery Driver - Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in