Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”