thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”