Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Oh thanks BBC.
😬
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
never deleting this app.