Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.