Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Aight bet
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
concern
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous