Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.