thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months