[thinking about humanity]

we should all help each other

[thinking about individual humans]

well maybe not

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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.


It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.


Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.


Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?


The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.


i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes


[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?


I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao