i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.