Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”