@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

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@alexlumaga

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

@dadamantium

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@MarieLoerzel

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

@vaginadental

Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell

Me: weird. Why?

Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning

Me: haha stupid animals

Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days

Me: nice

@AndrewChamings

[proctologist’s office]

ME: *unzipping pants nervously*

PROCTOLOGIST: You’re nervous, that’s normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them