@_b1p0larbear

Thinking about kids?
My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.

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@ElleOhHell

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@ManicMinxy

Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.

@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@com3t0think0fit

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!