A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what