@JermHimselfish

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

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@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@LindaInDisguise

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@WeissBrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@SirEviscerate

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*