@JermHimselfish

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

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@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@TheRealPalMal

Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@Burtslorp

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Migraine relief.

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Yell again & they’ll never find your body.

@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

@FunkyFresh_79

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

@mommajessiec

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

@ADHDeanASL

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it