Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.
Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Yell again & they’ll never find your body.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it