Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch


Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.


Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.


ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure


me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop


I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.


Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few


*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*