Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.