63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too