*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
🙁
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.