@dalykyle

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

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@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

@ddsmidt

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

@kochsister

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”