– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.