The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”