Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud


I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.


“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird


lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record


You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.


Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.


Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.