Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My sex drive has a dui
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.