@DaddingAround

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

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@david8hughes

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

@Poutymcgee

I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.

@sageboggs

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

@KevinFarzad

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

@Shen_the_Bird

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

@CruisinSoozan

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

@KevinFarzad

Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.