Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit