@garrydavenport

Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She’s not dead, just very condescending.

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@prufrockluvsong

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

@TheToddWilliams

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.