Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.