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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.