Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

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A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.


“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire


My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.


[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea


BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace


Son: “Dad, why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?

Me: “If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.”

Wife: “Please stop talking to our children.”


Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.


I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!


I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.