Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*swipes right on my hand mirror
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?