I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.