I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*