Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

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Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this


A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”


My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad


“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?


“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen


*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*